Me before I write

 

I was deeply engrossed into the jurisprudence teacher's words. His lectures, are something I wait for the most. He was explaining the criteria on which different aspects of fiqh are based. Carefully listening to all the precious gems that he coherently laid out, I was trying to save all of them through my pen until he said “You will have to decide what qualifies for this standard and what fails”. ‘Qualify’, I refreshed. So that I don’t lose it. “What a beautiful word to use” I sighed to myself. It was this moment, that I realized how writers are just one word away from being distracted. One word away from a completely different universe. And for the word, is no set standard. The only merit it has got to fulfill is to not be in frequent usage of its potential user. I had been completely zoned out, unaware of what, if anything, the teacher  imparted ahead. My mind was strongly caged by the fact that I hadn’t used this word in a long time. And, no longer was it that I began preparing my forthcoming plot where it would find itself a new home. A spot, which qualified for ‘Qualify’.

I had a tough day ahead. The to-do list was already full for any additions. However, I knew that if I didn’t write, most of the list would suffer my frustration of not writing. Hence the best decision was to write only.

As soon as I sat down with my laptop, I had come up with a topic. I began noting points in the same order I would place them in my writing. While all this, my heart raced like it had forgotten the language of writing or if anything like writing has ever existed. An inexplicable malaise pervaded the air. Suddenly, I didn’t want to write. I wanted to turn the laptop off, go away and never turn back. The next moment was a burst of motivation. Like heavy rains that pour on a farmer’s land. If he prays for more, it sweeps away his crops. If he doesn’t get any, the crops don’t nurture. And if he wants to store it for later, he can’t.

By now, I had reached my normal pace. Words seemed more familiar and less peculiar. I was glad, I had been able to come up with some decent sentences and ‘qualify’ was welcomed warmly. I was half-done only and had read my work a gazillion times. The more I read, the lesser it felt a good piece of writing. I have had full-fledge thoughts of deleting the complete plot or at least resist posting it. But I didn’t. Thankfully.

But, with time, I have also learned that its ok to be an average writer and that it doesn’t matter if my best-formed sentences are worst-formed for somebody else, unless the process of reflection and formation doesn’t stop.

I have learned that its fine ,to not be a writer and still write!